supporting someone you know
Often, when people are looking into a relationship from the outside, things can seem “obvious”. As a viewer of this show, you may have instantly known the relationship between August and Marlena was abusive and may have made up your mind on what Marlena should or should not do. This can be part of human nature, however, we want to remember that each person is the expert of their own lives.
We want to encourage and uplift a person’s autonomy and power. This is crucial as domestic violence is based on someone asserting power and control over another person or people. Being part of someone’s support system means we want to facilitate a supportive and safe space. We do not have to agree or be happy about their decisions but we can still support them. For example,
We can communicate our concern and support for them.
We can provide them with information about domestic violence.
We can provide them with options available and have them choose what they want to do or what feels safest (i.e. call hotline, inquire about shelters, create safety plan, talk to therapist or someone else, etc.).
We can communicate that no matter their decision, we will still be there. Often, domestic violence can be very isolating and having people in your support system is crucial.
What Support Can Sound Like
“I’m sorry this is happening.”
“I’m worried about you; do you want to talk about it?”
“I looked around and found some resources, can I share them with you?”
“I’m not sure what to say but I’m here.”
What We Want to Avoid
Sometimes the best meaning things can have a harmful impact. No matter our intent, we can always be mindful of what we say and communicate. We want to be free from judgement, focusing on supporting the person. For example, we want to stay away from:
“Why would you stay?” - This puts the focus on the survivor’s actions versus the harm they are experiencing.
“If you don’t ______ then I can’t be friends with you anymore.” - This is replicating a power dynamic in abusive relationships. It is using coercion and manipulation in order to have someone do what you want them to do.
“Well, at least they didn’t _____.” - This minimizes someone’s experience. Abuse is abuse and there is no hierarchy. We want to validate people’s experiences.